anniversary

________,

Today marks an anniversary, but I'm still greiving it's loss. I know I should try to rememeber the happy times, but they only make me sad. I failed, I failed in so many ways and have lost hope that I will never experiance something like this again. I was built for loyalty, unwaivering. And to lose this hurts me to my core. People have told me I might find something like this again. I don't think I want to. It would tarnish the memory and diminish how important it was to me.

Sadly, I don't want to go back. Part of me wishes I did. It's worse than over. It's a place where the thought of return would be a disservice to what it was and what it still means to me. I've often told people of a movie that I enjoyed immensely as a kid, but only seen once. As I've grown older I know that it's enshrouded in nostalgia. But a return to that would more than destroy nostalgia, it would make me question why I put so much value on that memory.

You Can't Go Home Again - isn't just a salient and powerful title, it's a powerful story of how what was once important and valuable can lose both by a return to that place. I'm not going to head to New York or Paris, I have no youthful lust to replace the pain. I have to live with it. But living with the pain of the past, without letting it dictate your future is experiance and wisdom.

You will always live inside of me, you own a part of my brain and heart, and it cannot be replaced or suppressed. But we are on separate paths now. I chose it through inaction, and you choose it through action. You gave me many things that I will always be thankful for. I will always be loyal to you.

Love, Patrick